You know it’s the silent scream for love when instead of addressing their anguish people launch an attack on others. Far from solving our problem, the blame game accentuates our misery; additional pain then convinces us more about others’ wrong-doing and finally we merge with the lie that others are culpable for my grief. For, like Heer, we learned this strategy early on in life.
The first time we accept the lie of others’ guilt, we may be conscious, but soon our very being integrates with the tale we tell ourselves. When my falsehood becomes an unshakeable belief, I need no enemies, for then I have successfully destroyed myself.
What do we do now?
Moving from Blame to Lessons to learn
What if you are a victim of abuse? Do we still not blame the wrongdoer? Of course, you should report the crime and seek support. And if you are going through Posttraumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD), you need immediate treatment. But the principle is to focus on caring for yourself rather than blaming others. One shouldn’t shy away from doing whatever it takes to nurture and protect his or her emotional well-being. At least let’s not add more to our suffering- instead of condemning others we could now shift the effort to find solutions.
An effective way to reconnect to your natural and happy state is by substituting blame with lessons to learn.
For example, let’s say you lose your job, and understandably you are in pain.
What not to do now: don’t brood over your boss’s vindictive nature or your follies – ‘if only I had done that’ stuff. It’s not going to help; it’s over now.
At the same time, it’s better to see what you could do better the next time you are in a similar situation. This is called visualization – a tool that can quickly transform a negative loop into a virtuous cycle of definite possibility.
To be continued…