It’s so difficult to write although I am aware of the thereupatic benefits of journal writing.
Nothing is easy in this world; that’s because I live with my mind. One day my mind tells me that journal writing is the panacea for all my worries, and the next day, the same mind convinces me that anything but penning down my thoughts would save me.
Worry, more worry and misery, that’s all the mind can give us. In between the mind would promise a titillating experience just to keep you firmly rooted in the material world. The mind knows no better, and unfortunately the soul seems to care for nothing else.
Now what to do? Just write, even if it means an austerity. Don’t people travel in the overcrowded local trains daily, pressing their bodies against others, smelling the armpits of each other? Why do they do it despite their dislike for it? That’s because they get some money at the end of the month, and that few rupees promises them happiness. If sense gratification can goad men and women to perform austerities, day in day out for decades, what’s my problem? Why can’t I write, chant, study Srimad Bhagavatam and do yoga daily, even if I don’t like it? Let me remember that at the end of the ‘month’, I shall get my rewards too. If doubts plague me, let me assure myself that I have happily served Srila Prabhupada’s mission in the ashram for the last sixteen years and am happy in Krishna consciousness because of adhering to these practises. Yes, there would be some days when performing devotional service would be a drag, yet I shall continue because I want the final result of this exercise. And that is a healthy state of consciousness by which I can please Krishna.
Until I can reach the stage of confidently neglecting the mind, I can’t make tangible advancement. Let the mind scream, run, plead, and demand myriad things, yet I shall only serve Krishna happily. Even if I am not happy, I shall not compromise on my daily chanting, hearing and reading. Let me now begin to not take my mind seriously. Enough is enough! The mind is not to be trusted. Trust Krishna and guru’s instructions alone; neglect the mind’s tantrums in favour of Krishna’s guidance.
I have realized if I sincerely pray or chant my rounds in the morning, Krishna does guide me. He tells me what to do and what to avoid.
Sincerity is not the prerogative of the most advanced vaishnavas. Even an ordinary neophyte like me can feel loved by Krishna daily. I just need to keep faith in the process, and chant, hear, and study diligently. And there would be some days like today when I can see Krishna nowhere. And the very exercise of journal writing which I have glorified so often could appear to be a drag. Yet, knowing this is a momentary aberration, I shall persevere. I shall write daily, and chant with enthusiasm each time I pick my bead bag.
I now accept that it would take some time for me to develop taste in Krishna consciousness. At least now I can seek to develop enthusiasm. Enthusiasm comes before taste. Enthusiasm is in my hands. Taste is Krishna’s gift to me. Let me not worry too much about why Krishna isn’t giving me taste in Bhakti. Let me honestly ask, “Am I sincere and enthusiastic in my Krishna consciousness?”
And when my mind rebels and refuses to chant, let me also rebel to the mind. If my mind says sleep, I shall chant more. If my mind urges me to give up writing, I shall write more.
I shall fight, with Krishna on my side. I am sure soon with my wild mind tamed I would be on Krishna’s side. And that means thinking, talking and living to carry out Krishna’s desires. It’s only then I’d feel a sense of real fulfilment in life.
And till then, enthusiasm is my mantra. Taste can wait, but I shall show my sincerity to Krishna, today and now.