“Do as the heavens have done, forget your evil; with them forgive yourself.”
– William Shakespeare
For many years I thought I had no ‘forgiveness’ issues; I am not
offended by anyone and there is no question of forgiving my enemies
because I don’t have anger or resentment towards others. Subtly, I
began to assume I am spiritually advanced and have perhaps transcended
the ‘holding grudges’ phenomenon that plagues lesser mortals on the
planet.
One day I was rudely awakened to the reality of the subconscious mind
when a friend mentioned, as a casual remark, “hey, relax; you need to
forgive yourself.”
I froze even as he walked away. That was an epiphany for me. The
phrase ‘forgive yourself’ shook me to the core. Suddenly things began
to lighten up in my head and heart. I realized all these years I had
blamed only one person for all the unpleasant experiences in my life-
Me.
‘I am bad’ and ‘I have done terrible karma; so I deserve to suffer’
and ‘I am not good enough’ were common stories I told myself all the
time. And I never even realized I speak these to myself. But on this
occasion when I heard my friend say how we need to be kind to
ourselves, I realized I never had issues with anyone because I blamed
myself for all the miseries in my life.
On deeper introspection the painful reality dawned on me – I was
vulnerable and in pain. I needed counselling as much if not more, than
those people that I helped. My shame and inadequacies were inordinate
and harmful.
As I became aware of this inner state, another problem arose- I
couldn’t accept this realization. My mind protested, “Spiritual
practises teach us to be humble and we should never blame anyone else
for our miseries. God will be happy if I blame myself for my
miseries.”
Slowly with the help of sincere well-wishers, I realized this was a
terrible story to tell myself. I was rubbing salt on a wounded heart
that desperately needed care and compassion. It was good that I didn’t
blame others but the fact that I cursed myself constantly for my
suffering meant the problem was insidious and I wasn’t doing well in
my emotional and spiritual life.
As I began to work on myself with diligence and kindness, I was often
confronted with the philosophical dilemma: our great saints of past
condemned and blamed themselves; so we need to learn from them and be
humble, and accept ourselves as fallen and insignificant.
Over the years I have learnt that this is an incorrect judgement of
the inner world of our saints. They weren’t miserable when they
criticized themselves; nor did they practise self-criticism as a
conscious ritual. Far from it, they basked in the presence of the
divine. Their souls bathed in love and gratitude for the supreme
lord’s love. God’s love nourished their souls so much that in
comparison they saw they were inadequate. But the focus and meditation
essentially was on the lord’s love and his greatness and sweetness. In
a painful contrast, many people, when they criticize themselves, the
attention is on the wounded self and not on a higher spiritual
reality.
This negative self-talk is false ego in action and most of our
self-condemnation often becomes a reality.
We give hope to others but are prophets of doom in our own lives. And
to our self-fulfilling prophecy we need to forgive ourselves, but
please don’t forget the wrong you have done. We need to remember our
mistakes so that we don’t repeat them, but we need to forgive
ourselves so that we can do the right thing!
